Review by guest contributor Frank Slade
Paper Mario and the Thousand-Year Door – thousand years, long time, Charlie my boy, even longer when you’re a coward. What's behind that door, that's for me to know and you to NEVER find out.
This fella Mario thinks he’s HOT stuff, thinks he's dangerous, just because he can swing a hammer hooah. HAMMERS gotta fall, Charlie boy, and you best not be under it. Do you just want to be another nail, or the one doing the nailing? I’m talking about fucKING, plain and simple.
Mario is trying to rescue Princess PEACH, sweet as a peach I’d say, twice as juicy. Lemme guess, blonde hair, pink dress, perfume is fire flower #5, can smell it from here. Listen here young lady, I don’t need eyes to play a game of tennis and I’ll be your doubles partner any day.
Get your damn hands off of me, Charlie. Don’t touch me, never touch me, I touch you but you don’t touch me.
Now this Mario is a little different, they do TURN-based combat. Means they fight standing still. That’s what they’re doing, standing still. What everyone’s doing, whole woooooorld is just a bunch of people standing still, waiting for their turn. That you, Charlie boy? Waiting for your turn to kick a GOOMBA? That's right, you’ve got it written all over you. Bet your father sent you here with a whole bag of pow blocks and sleepy sheep. Standing still, like target practice hooah.
I used to play Mario, played it with the best of them. Could play it better than you now. But in my day, Mario used to jump. Mario threw fire hooah. Mario ran. These days they like a Mario who waits his turn, who plays nice.
Mario’s got a party, don’t look like much of a party to me. I used to party back in the day, cut a rug or two, cut em clean in HALF. Wham bang thank you ma’am. Looks more like a bunch of hangers-on, a bunch of followers, a bunch of COWARDS hiding behind a man with a mustache. Turtle who thinks a hoodie and a band-aid makes him something special. HA. And I don’t care how big your TITS are, a ghost is a ghost where I come. Give UP the ghost, stop working, whither away hooah.
This Mario folds, he folds like paper, he folds like a cheap suit, thinks it means that he can fly. Ha! Well let me tell you this, Charlie boy, only thing folding will get you is the SMELL of your own ass.
Now listen here and listen well my boy, here’s 35 dollars American, you go out and get yourself some badges, you learn to bounce jump, you learn to throw a HAMMER, you come back and you give me the change in crisp dollar bills. That’s right.
Now this is Admiral Bobbery, he’s a good friend of mine from the aaaarmy, taught him everything he knows. How to steer a ship and how to EXPLODE. They can’t teach you integrity and they can’t teach you to light your own fuse. That’s the only light at the end of YOUR tunnel. Ka-bam.
Now they’re telling me all this stuff about Bowser but let me tell you THIS, Bowsers an alright guy, got me out of my fair share of jams back in the day. They got you thinking about Bowser and you don’t pay attention to the X-NAUTS and GRODIUS. THEY’RE GETTING READY TO FUCK YOU, AND YOU’RE OVER HERE WORRIED ABOUT BOWSER. WELL LET ME TELL YOU A GOD DAMN THING ABOUT A MAN WITH SPIKES ON HIS SHELL, WHEN THE SHIT STARTS FLYING YOU’LL BE LOOKING FOR THAT MAN.
And MEANWHILE, the X-nauts have your princess and they’re 30 damn miles away! Where are ya now, Charlie boy? Up a river without a paddle, that's right. Ha! Keep paddling but getting nowhere, that’s you.
I need a drink. A drink, a woman, and a Ferrari, not in that order Charlie.
One big water level, that’s life.
Game’s an update, it’s refurbished, refit, remastered, redone, well done, cooked my good man. Means they’re selling you a glorified MUSEUM exhibit for sixty dollars a POP. You know what 60 dollars will get you these days Charlie boy? A swift kick in the ass and a ticket to nowhere. That’s where you’re going, on the rainbow road to fuck all. They’re taking your GOD damn money and laughing their way to the bank, bet they think they can sell you tap water like it’s perrier. HA! You want a time machine back to 2004? It’s a bottle of ol’ johnny beam.
(Withdraws pistol).
I don’t think you’re going to beat this game, son. You’re not going to 100% this game. You’re not going to 70% this game. You think you’re getting all the collectibles? Think you’re getting those STAR pieces, those SHINE sprites? Don’t make me laugh, you’re going to give up on the pirate level, just be another man reading IGN walkthrough, wondering what could have been. Well they don’t make a walkthrough for life and they sure as hell don’t make one for women.
What’s a gamer? Life’s a game if you play it right. Boy thinks he’s a gamer. What do you think you’re playing? Legend of Zelda? HA. You’re playing shoots and ladders my boy, shoots and ladders, and you’re on your last slide. Better get a new controller because this one’s busted. Little brother unplugged it while you weren’t looking now he’s lapping you in Diddy Kong Racing. Round and round. I’ll tell you where to STICK your control stick, sir. Hooah.